I'll Wear Any Color As Long As It's Black

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Posted in / / / by Jeralyn on February 18, 2009


 




Absolute Body Control at the Music Hall.

I decided to give up my room in New York. It was a snap decision, but also a huge one. Something that I didn’t even realize had been weighing so heavily on my mind for all of these months. Of course there’s the money — it’s utterly foolish to be paying $900 a month for a room I use from 4 – 10 days out of 28 – 31. I am able to take a weekly paycheck from the store right now, but it’s not much and it barely covers the rent. I was going to try to get some sort of subletting thing going on, but for various reasons, that’s not going to work out and once I realized that, the thought just hit me like the greatest notion ever: just give it up. Just give up the push and pull and the back and forth. Accept the fact that my decisions have led me to the part of my life where I have to live in Boston. Accept that I honestly don’t know how long this will last and paying a few thousand to over ten thousand dollars (depending on how long I stay here) simply so I can continue to tell people, “I live half in New York,” is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever decided to follow through with.

I think that the ease with which I was able to make this decision came from: a) my multi-part NYE resolution which included finding some sort of balance in my life and b) a sigil I made recently about creating balance in my life. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to talk about sigils after the fact, since I know you are supposed to destroy them, but since this one seems to be really working, I suppose it’s safe enough. I didn’t even have to think about whether or not this was a good idea because the fact that it was the right idea was resting so strongly in my head, there was no need for any consideration. Maybe it seems obvious. I was clearly clinging to a life that I loved and that I don’t want to let go . . . but I think that this will allow me to enjoy that life better. I will be able to go to NYC and crash with friends and have fun and not have to cry on the drive home because I miss my room and all my stuff that I left in it. Not feel so ridiculously torn between seeing my friends and just lying on my bed looking at the ceiling. Now when I visit, it really will feel like a vacation, one that I can enjoy fully.

This all is, of course, my hope. All that’s happened so far is that I made the decision. I haven’t gone down and started packing up my stuff which is going to be harrowing, as always. I haven’t actually experienced what it will be like to be in NYC and not have anywhere to stay (unless you count the two times I was in between apartments in the past and crashed at Massimo’s old pad). And I don’t really know how I am going to feel when I feel like I really do live here, in Allston, in this weird full-circle world that is both bizarre and sometimes exciting. I do, however, know that if I am not in New York for summer (not likely), I will be so, so bummed. I was watching Breatheless tonight, thinking about Paris and other great cities that are so beautiful and exciting in the warm weather and then envisioning the dirge-like trudge up and down Brighton Ave. If I stay here, it has to get better. It has to be something more than it was ten years ago. But I don’t even know if it is.

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